These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
