Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
