I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize