I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
