hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
