yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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