your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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