if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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