you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Randomize
