Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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