just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
