How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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