I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
