i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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