she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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