Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize