You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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