Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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