The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
