I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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