so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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