Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
