Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
