Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
