so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
