I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im six kinds of drunk right now
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
