Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
