They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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