nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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