Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
