My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
