he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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