remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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