My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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