im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
