You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
