I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
