I CAN MOONWALK!
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
