did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
