bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
