Actions speak louder than pants.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
