She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
