i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
