we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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