I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
