Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
