Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
