you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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