I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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