The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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