I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
