It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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