I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
