my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
