One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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