Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize