Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A bitchslap is in order.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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