The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
